Changing Thoughts

Clearly I'm in a writing/venting mode.  I've been wrestling with a few things lately...here are just four of them for now.... 

One: Friends who say they are fine when clearly they are not and putting a fake face to get by.

Two: The fact that I also noticed that sometimes I put on a fake face to get by.

Three: The fact that I sometimes feel like I need to please/impress people.

Four: The fact that I put the views of how people see me over God.

So on that note, I wrote this:

Changing Thoughts.
by Jacky Robus

I’m standing there in the middle of nowhere,
Watching the world pass me by,
As people walk at various paces.

I watch some of them interact with others,
Some talking, some joking, while some are crying,
And even some hiding behind their masks.

I laugh, but not at them, at me.
I look down to the mask in my own hand.
Do I really think I can hide who I really am?

I lift up my head as it begins to rain,
The sky is nothing but clouds of grey,
As the rain falls, so tears begin to fall.

Is it really that bad that we have to fake how we feel?
Is it really that bad that we have to fake who we are?
Why do we try to hide it when God see’s it all?

I watch as people run for cover from the rain,
Soon they’re all just staring at me,
As I’m just standing there in the pouring rain.

I lift up my head again, letting the rain fall on my face,
As I realize again that God loves me despite everything.
I can hide nothing from Him – my one saving grace.

I take a step forward; it’s the only way I can go.
What’s behind is behind and it can not be change.
I need to decide now on how to move ahead.

I slowly begin to move forward one step at a time,
I want to drop the mask, I don’t want it anymore.
I want to be me, the me God made me to be.

I keep walking in the rain away from the cover,
I keep walking in the rain away from the judging crowd.
It matters no more, I’ve realized I can't impress everyone.

Does it matter what people think of me?
Sometimes it does, but really it shouldn’t matter.
I should only focus on what God thinks of me.

One has to look up to see the silver lining on a cloudy day,
One has to look up to seek God for His help daily.
One should be only have to be who God made them to be.

Why not....

This poem was sent to me on email - it's called the lost Dr. Seuss poem - not sure if it really is...but I enjoyed it anyway. I laughed at it, specially the last two line. Craig, those last two lines reminds me of your comment after you read my previous blog.
Enjoy all.

I LOVE MY JOB

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and it's location,
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey,
and piles of paper that grow each day.

I think my job is really swell,
there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and it's software,
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again.
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
in clean white coats to take me away!!!

Voices...

Not everything is doom and gloom in the land of Jacky...only some....but with the voices in my head, life can be entertaining...if not irritating when they don't shut up in the early hours of the morning with their ideas for the next novel that I'm already working on....but they do come up with some ideas.

I was walking around the shops the other day, looking for vanilla essence as I was having a craving for vanilla. So now my plain coffee has turned into vanilla and plain yogurt is now vanilla too. I have these odd days in my life....it always varies between vanilla and cinnamon, my two favorite flavors.

So anyway, I was standing there, lost in some thought, with a bottle of vanilla essence in my hand when my eyes suddenly noticed "Brandy Essence". WOW did the voices in my head wake up.

    Voice 1: "Brandy essence???"
    Voice 2: "Oooh we could have a lot of fun with that!!"
    Voice 3: "I already have an IDEA!!"
    Voice 1: "I get a bit worried with your ideas."
    Voice 3: "You'll like this one though."
    Voice 2: "Really, that's what you said about the last one."
    Voice 3: "Hush you!"
    Voice 1: "So what is this 'great' idea that you have?"
    Voice 3: "We sneak some brandy essence into a pot of brewing coffee at the office!"
    Voice 2: *snorts*
    Voice 1: "It will make folks wonder what type of coffee it is."
    Voice 3: "Yea, they'll all be sniffing the air very suspiciously."
    Voice 2: "Or they'll all be standing in line hoping to get some!"
    Voice 3: *snorts* "Yea I didn't think of that."
    Voice 2: "I think its one of your best ideas yet."
    Voice 3: "See! I'm not THAT bad."
    Voice 1: *snorts*
    Voice 3: "And what was that snort for??"
    Voice 1: "Nothing... ...just ummm, clearing something in my throat." *clears throat*
    Voice 2: "So do we go with it?"
    Voice 3: "We're too late. She's tired of our discussion and is walking on to find the next item on her list."
    Voice 1: "Which is?"
    Voice 2: "Pronutro."
    Voice 3: "Really??? Is she back into that now?"
    Voice 2: "I just think she's tired of us complaining that we're hungry and wants something more filling to keep us quiet."
    Voice 1: "I think she's tired of YOUR voice always complaining that YOU'RE hungry."
    Voice 3: *snorts*

Anyway...let me just put you all at ease and state that I am normal...sometimes....but these conversations generally generate themselves out of boredom or to lighten my mood....but this was an idea that flowed through my mind when I saw brandy essence.

I saw a quote the other day, and perhaps this will explain the voices:
WRITERS BLOCK: When your imaginary friends wont talk to you.
So you see, my voices are totally normal....they help me write! :o)

Alone.. ..yet not

I think all single people at some point feel down about being single. The past few months have been harder for me as a single person than any other time. It's hard to always be happy for your friends who are getting engaged, married or having children when it is something that you really want. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them, it just makes singleness a lot harder for me.  It's hard sometimes to wait. Even though I know God's timing is everything, it's still hard to wait.

This is just something I wrote...how I feel, specially these days:

O Lord, help me to have the strength to wait,

to wait on You and Your right time.

O Lord, help me to have the patience I need,

patience when I really do not understand why.

Be near to me Lord as I struggle with singleness,

when I feel alone, please be near to me Lord.

Do not forget about me when I am angry or feeling down,

be near to me Lord, comfort me the way only You can.

My heart aches as it longs for that which it does not have,

my mind can not understand why there is a void.

My thoughts make me wonder if I've done something wrong,

Lord, help me on those days to know that You are there.

Lord, help me not to be polluted by the world,

to not feel the pressure that it seems to place on me.

Help me to focus on you on those difficult days,

to remember Your promise to me.

Hear my cry Lord, let me find comfort in You,

when the days are hard, help me to have that peace from You.

Thank you Lord for loving me for who I am,

despite my anger, my thoughts, my sins.

 

Grace in the Dark

So I've been really active writing...obviously not here though. I've been struggling the past month with patience and patience in waiting. Daily I seem to struggle with something and honestly some days I'm just tired of waiting, tired of the thoughts that run through my mind, feeling alone, feeling like God doesn't care when you know He does. I wrote this poem in March of how I was feeling...and in a way I still do. But the main thing for me was the way God would use people to encourage me. Be open to how God wants to use you to encourage, pray or show kindness to someone, cause you just never really know how that person is really feeling.

Originally I didn't have a title for this poem, but a friend who has been an encouragement to me, suggested "Grace in the Dark" - so here it is.

Grace in the Dark

by Jacky Robus

I need you Lord, please hear my cry.

My mind is troubled, my heart is faint.

I need you Lord, hear my cry.

My mind, it rages back and forth, like a storm at sea.

The enemy has seized it and is creating doubt within it.

I do not understand, the world feels against me.

Where are my friends Lord? What has come over them?

It feels like they have forsaken me.

Have they Lord? Have You?

I stagger through the day, clouded by anger and thoughts.

I fall on my bed and I cry to you at night.

Hear me Lord, only You can comfort me.

Then it comes, a sign of love, grace and care when I don’t expect it.

A kind word, a hug or even a prayer that causes peace to sweep over me.

A peace that only You can give, You have not forsaken me.

You love me Lord, more than I could ever know.

You heard my cries and brought peace to my troubled mind.

You’ve strengthened me and lifted me up.

Great are you o Lord my God,

Though the evil one continues to press on and temptation rise with every breaking sun,

You are faithful and I will TRUST in You!