A few of the million questions in my head....

It’s July. I’m wondering why it isn’t December yet. It’s been a tough year; I already knew that going into it. However, the past few weeks seem to have been really hard and I’ve been asking many questions:
·         Why haven’t things happened?
·         How much longer must I wait?
·         Why does medication have side effects?
·         Why is something else now wrong with my body?
·         Why is there nothing I can do to fix it?
·         Why are goodbyes so hard?
·         Why do friends have to leave?
·         Why do people change?
·         Why do people say things but don’t follow up on it?
·         Why is work such an effort these days?
·         Why is life such an effort these days?
·         Is this where I want to be?
·         Is this really what I want to do?
·         Why is trusting so hard?
·         Is God really hearing my cries?
·         What is God’s plan for my life?

I know that these are questions that people probably ask in general, depending on what their situation is at a point in their life…but I’ve really struggled trying to ‘answer’ these questions. My mind answers one way, my heart another. Some questions are new…some I’ve pondered before.

I read an article about change and an article about pain. They were both linked very closely together. Change generally causes pain. There is no way to get around pain. In order to change, we need to experience pain. The amount of pain I’ve felt in the past six/seven months has left me in tears many nights because it’s the pain from change I didn’t want. Yet I seem to wait and wait and wait for the change I do want. Will that change cause pain? Probably, but I’d most likely be more ‘prepared’ for it, more than the change that sneaks up on you and you’re not sure how you’re going to handle it.

There is no point to this blog post. This is just a truthful blog of where I am currently, with many questions and little answers.

“The point here is that, in real life, you’ll have to force yourself to move. You’ll have to ask the girl out, sign up for the marathon, quit your job or something. And the only way to change is to, well, experience pain”

“It is grace that teaches me that we are supposed to go through pain and not around it. Every attempt to find a highway around pain is cut off and we are left with this present moment to be here, together, and weep.”

Looking back...

WOW...you know it's bad when it's been more than a year since you last blogged! Does that sum up the way my life has been? Yes...it kindof does. Last year was an interesting year with many moments to remember and some to forget.

I came into this year wishing that I could close my eyes and wake up to see 2016 in, thus skipping some of the pain and stress I knew was coming my way. But we can't. We have no choice but to go through the day and face the overwhelming work load, the hard goodbyes and the emotional roller coaster that comes with life.

A lot happened in the last quarter of last year, it almost seems to be a blur when I look back. Whilst most of it seemed very negative at the time and hard to accept, I would be lying if I said I didn't see, now, how God was preparing the way (slightly) for the year that was about to cause a big grey cloud over my life...or so I thought. Granted, it's only the beginning of March and there are still things to come but I've already seen a pattern with the way things have panned out. :-)

Sometimes, not always, it's good to look back at what has past.

So for now I look back, smile and thank God. I just hope that, as the year continues, I can continue do that.